58 hours ago I connected with an old aquintance after about 2 years through a group message where we both are members. I reached out, asking how he was ect. since it had been long since we last saw each other and now live in different towns. After a 4 hour chat, I asked him if he had ever had a crush on me back then, and he barely denied it fishing for me to tell him if I would even be open to dating him as he back then got the impression that I signaled that he wasn't good enough for me.
I told him that I never intended to send that message, and tried to ask into what made him believe that. After some more time we agreed on talking further to figure out if we were compatible, and have spent most of our awake time since then chatting or on the phone. I admire this man. He has had a rough background with divorced parents, not being able himself to find a job to suit his degree, and working a lower paid job in healtcare. Now he is studying computer programming and will graduate in 2025. He is 42 years old, and is open about not knowing how to cook, and that he hasn't driven a car for 20 years after he had a small crash. This is no dealbreakers to me, but I sence that he might be insecure that I make $17.000 more than him a year (for now) and that I am giving off that I am very independent and self sufficient without a man. Truth is I am not, but he might not fill the role I now have my dad filling (helping with my car) or the stuff I pay professionals to do, and these things are some of this mans insecurities.
I compliment him, telling him he makes me feel safe and he gives the best kind of compliments (not on my looks). He is willing to relocate if we decide to be a couple, and he is very firm in physical boundaries, and has never had a girlfriend. He can come off as a bit of an awkward nerd, but his social skills are decent.
To the men in here. If I want to keep pursuing a dating relationship with this man. What is the best way to help him forward. I know things are up to him and God to figure out, but if I am to maybe become his wife some day, my job will be to help him. I have plans on maybe having him with me cooking so he can learn without me judging him. I also will acommodate his prefered speed while dating, so that I am not pushing him to move faster than he likes, as he is not an experienced dater. Is there any advice on how to deal with a good hearted, maybe a bit insecure man whom is working hard and is afraid he scares off women with who he is? He is to me objectively handsome, and he never smells or is loud or anything. He can be described as stubborn as he gave up driving after an accident, but I might challenge him there too sometime if I can figure out how he responds to those types of challenged with something less major in the beginning. It is important to me to let him lead and be the head of the potential family, but I also want to do what I can to be active in supporting him and helping him choose the right things for himself (and us if we are a good match) going forward.
I admire the fact that you're willing to try and build a relationship with this man. BUT there are some red flags and two stand out the most. One is the income difference, the other is the driving thing.
Yes his income could change, but if it doesn't rise to the level of yours or above then that's likely to be an issue for you down the road. The bigger red flag is his inability to drive after having a minor car accident. It strikes me as very odd that he would have that reaction. I'm not going to try and get into the psychology of why he can't drive now as it's beyond my pay grade.
I see two things at play here. One is a man who among other things lacks leadership abilities, and two is a women who wants to try and fix him.
Can the two of you make a viable couple? I would say the chances are slim, but it's really going to boil down to how hard you both are willing to work on the relationship despite all the short comings.
Now I think a very important thing to ask yourself is if you can see yourself submitting to this man once you're married? If not then he's either not right for you or you aren't the marrying kind.
The mistake being made is thinking you know how a relationship with him will be or how one might change him, you don't. It's a gamble and given the difficulties he has you need to choose whether or not you want to risk him.
The mark if love is sacrifice, what are you willing to give up for his sake? That's your answer.
Ultimately, you can’t really “fix” a man. If you try, he’ll soon feel even more insecure and he’ll eventually think you’re controlling—even though that’s not your intention.
If you decide to go further in your relationship, you will have to accept him for better or for worse.
As for his spiritual needs. He should find a qualified pastor or someone like that to “help” him with his insecurities. You, as a lady friend, can only accept and encourage him.
I’m not trying to be critical but I read no consideration given to his spiritual health. Not saying you did not consider that, perhaps you just didn’t write about it in this post.
Nevertheless. If God is first in your life than It’s spiritually necessary to get his read on the importance of putting God first in his life. What’s his relationship like with his parents and family and church? What is his Bible study like? Is he a shallow or deep follower of Christ? Can he discern truth from error? He should be willing to discuss these.
I have started dating this guy. He traveled to my town last weekend, and spent time with me disclosing most of the issues that could be dealbreakers. He stayed in a hotel for anyone worried that he stayed with me. He has changed a lot since I knew him back in 2022, and he is mature in a new way. I will not decide weather or not we will become a couple or not yet, because of the distance and the fact that we had 3 dates in 3 days, but have to wait some time to meet again. I think I have been wring in some of my assumptions and considerations in my original post. I won't higlight all of it, but I don't think there are too many warning signals. We have talked through some of the huge ones.
