Agreed HazelEyesSparkle that Handyman and Willard are being jokers. "Research the wonders of speech"? Research the wonders of *she already knew that.* "Immature head games"? Yes, head games that everyone has to deal with (Gen 24:5, read the chapter for context).
Now, as for the question! As a single (and all too often dense) guy, I haven't mastered the delicate art of romantic communication, so take my words with a grain of salt. With that said, I'm of the opinion that it's very individual. It's difficult for me to say, "You should say this to him," because I don't know you or the other guy.
That said, were I in your shoes, I think one possible way of approaching it would be somewhat direct. I might say something like, "Hey John, I noticed that you've been acting odd around me lately. What's the matter?" After all, it is this other guy who has been acting odd, so I'd say it's on him to provide an explanation. To me, explicitly asking him would have a lot of benefits (including some level of certainty for both of you), but it may not be everyone's style.
And one last thing. I've definitely been in that position of wondering if someone is interested in me. She wasn't! As a single-and-searching guy (and I'm assuming this would be the same for a woman), it's easy for me to play tricks on myself and selectively notice some things and not others. I'm not saying you are, HazelEyesSparkle, but it's tough to rule out the possibility, especially across cyberspace.
That's my two cents. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best in it!
How to overcome the complete lack social skills in out generation?
Posted : 19 Dec, 2023 12:57 PM
True @Polk27. I remember reading The Four Loves by CS Lewis, and he mentions that while other loves are face-to-face (that is, two people focusing on each other), friendship is shoulder-to-shoulder (friends have another focus in common).
I'll also add that there are some rare people out there that are (1) sensitive to social "rules" and (2) are incredibly extroverted. If you can, find them and learn from them! I had a roommate in college like that who really helped me break out of my shell.
1. Handyman, I can't take your opinions seriously when you twist people's words (like you've done to Hazel now, on at least page 3 of this thread if not elsewhere). I'd encourage Hazel to take Handyman's "advice" with more than a grain of salt.
2. I don't know what kind of beef is between Moonlight and LittleDavid, nor do I really care that much. Maybe have that argument somewhere else at least?
3. Austin's last post looks un-alive-y. I'd comment on what he's said in this thread, but I want to be sensitive to him. Hopefully he's getting help IRL.
Okay, now I wanna throw in my 2 cents on the topic of this thread! (All with the asterisk that this is coming from a single guy lol)
First, I'm sorry your mom is sick. Hopefully she's gotten better by now. I know it doesn't mean much, but at least you've got the belated sympathy of one random internet stranger. :)
Second, you're far from alone being 31 and single. The average age of (first) marriage in the US is almost 29 for women. The *average*. For every gal getting hitched at 25, there's another marrying at 33 (roughly speaking). Brutal times for sure, but you aren't alone. Not by a longshot. See this: https://www.statista.com/statistics/371933/median-age-of-us-americans-at-their-first-wedding/
Third, it might be helpful to recognize the two-sided nature of what you're experiencing. You have the basic necessities that you'd die without: food, water, and shelter. But you, like everyone else, want/need something more. (If it wasn't that fundamental of a want/need, why would it be mentioned in Genesis 1 and 2?) Some needs are met, and others aren't. I find that kind of mindset can help "contain" that relationship-despair in my own life, so maybe it can help you too.
You've been attacked for having hundreds of favorites on your profile and not going with any of them. Frankly, I've seen the guys on this site... I'm on your side here. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that a lot of guys here are weird (probably including me lol).
Now this part of my humble opinion has a good chance of being wrong in some way, but I want to voice it in case it helps or in case someone can maybe correct me. If you, like everyone else, have a want/need for personal connection (and ultimately for the kind of intimate connection made possible by marriage), you need to get that need met or at least pacified in the meantime. A friend is no substitue for a lover in the long term, but in the short term, it might be just enough to feel somewhat comfortable. While I'm hurting for a relationship, I'm actually going to go to a young adult Bible study in just a few minutes. Even though the young adult group is small and there's no "candidates," I still want to go so that I can connect with people. Connection is good to have in the meantime, at least.
I feel what you're going through. Again, at least you have the sympathy of a random internet stranger. :D
Handyman, consider how counter-cultural the Bible sounded, given these facts about the world of the New Testament:
"The most significant feature of the Roman household (familia) was that its power was concentrated in the hands of the male head, the paterfamilias. ... Only the paterfamilias could own property under Roman law. His power was unbroken until his death." (The Greco-Roman World of the New Testament Era, 1999, page 238)
"Roman wives were expected to obey their husbands in all things. During the Roman Republic, the husband had as much power over his wife as he did over his children [near absolute power, certainly over their property and sometimes even over their lives]." (Same as above, pages 241-242)
Ancient writers such as Philo and Plutarch wrote about what was considered the "ideal family," where they associated women with the senses and men with the mind, and that while the infidelity of a bride was to be punished severely, the infidelity of a husband should often be overlooked (same as above, pages 242-243).
To tell a husband from that culture to treat their wife like Christ treats the church would be a powerful, difficult message. It turns out that God respects women more than cultures often do, and God calls his body of believers to follow his Son's lead. Does that include wives submitting to husbands? Yes. Does that include *husbands submitting to wives?* Also yes!
There's a difference between challenging the idea of a family and challenging *some* traditional family ideas. OP has not been influenced by "that Satan inspired family destroying movement" -- she got remarried for goodness' sake. It just turns out that there are good and bad ways of conducting oneself in a family. Perhaps Satan's lies aren't as unsophisticated as "family is bad"? Maybe Satan's lies have more to do with confusing each of us about *how* to be a good family member?
And to be sure, women "see things through an emotional lens" because *everybody* sees things through an emotional lens. And a logical lens. And an ethical lens. And an experiential lens. And a hundred other "lenses" that are parsed in the realm of psychology. I doubt you, Handyman, would have posted anything unless you felt moved to do so by something more than purely-logical reasons. I'm not posting to some backwater forum because it'll serve some utilitarian end. I'm posting because I'm miffed that someone can read God's thoughts about family matters and still not understand that a relationship is a two-way street.
Did your wife treat you badly? Sometimes yeah, because people treat people badly, including you Handyman, both on the receiving end and the giving end of that bad treatment. Is your memory perfect? Can you think of times when your memory has failed you? Can you point to yourself and say that you are the worst of sinners? Or will you remain stuck in your own "relationship rants," focusing on the flaws of others?
Wow. What a story. I'm glad you aren't suffering at the hands of your ex-husband anymore.
Btw I've done a study of that "wives submit to your husbands" passage. Nobody seems to care that literally the verse before, Paul says that we should "submit to one another" (Eph 5:21). Wives should submit to their husbands, **and husbands should submit to their wives!** Sometmies I wonder what people see when they read "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church" (Eph 5:25). Does Christ love the church only if the church does good things for him? Of course not. Does Christ love the church by controlling the church? Of course not. But some husbands just don't seem to connect the dots, including your ex.
Ik this is "ask a girl," but I think I can articulate the photo issue here.
It's not that having a real photo of you either matters or doesn't matter. Having a real photo in your profile matters in some ways and not in others.
When I'm looking at a profile on CDFF, or anywhere else, or even when I'm thinking about a woman I've met in person, my opinion of whether I want to pursue something with her is based on a lot of factors. Are we a similar enough age? Is she single (which isn't a given in person, obviously)? How long has she been a Christian? Do I think we can/could converse well? Do we have many similar interests? And it'd be a lie to say I wasn't factoring in how she looked, too -- but it's not my number one concern.
I'll also say that it's useful to distinguish between evaluating a person's worth based on their looks, and recognizing that a person is valuable regardless of their looks, good or bad. It's okay to say that a member of the opposite sex is very valuable, and also *not* be romantically interested in them.
~~~
So I wrote the above post, but then I checked out Austin's profile and apparently he's hit a low. His last post is on a thread called "I don't belong in this world."
You do, Austin. I've learned that God has us here, right where we are, for a reason. Even when we don't know why life is worth living, we can be sure that while God still lets us live, he knows what he's doing. You're not hopeless, Austin. Can God be your hope even now?
